January 1st 2016

Diary entry: January 1st 2016

We/I have suffered another long process – from egg collection, through PGS testing, to the medicated transfer of one ‘golden embryo’, a positive test, a week of preparing for a baby/believing our 1 biggest dream and desire is finally coming true – to another devastating miscarriage.

And I’m here questioning why I don’t believe in myself, why I don’t believe I can control my destiny anymore. Why I feel so flat to even trying to ‘make my dreams come true’. That is the worst thing that this infertility has done to me. The infertility of the man I love, now I even question my own ability to carry a pregnancy, either/or/both = I/we can not make our dreams come true, we cannot make this dream come true. It’s utterly out of our control. No matter how much hard work we put into crap jobs and perseverance with them, money into it, belief into it – we cannot control if it will work or not. So does that mean, to be adaptable and resilient, I just have to change the dream? To one I/we can control a bit easier? This is one reason why I have always been keener on adoption.

Because it’s so hard putting my heart, energy, time, everything, into something that’s just failing on me every time. That’s what’s killing me, and it’s making me feel what’s the point in trying anything else? If we’re going to keep failing on the one matter that matters to me more than anything in the world, then I don’t want to be bothered with anything else. How can I be bothered with anything else? It all just feels flat and I don’t care about any of it then.

I used to totally believe in my self and my ability to make things work out/happen, if I just applied myself to it. Maybe that’s why I was always attracted to adoption because it gave me a route I could really apply myself to, make it something positive.

The statistics with IVF/ICSI always terrified me. Whilst Simon felt sure we could be in the lucky numbers, we have to try to find out, I could always feel – but what if we’re not? How does it feel to be the people who go through all that and it doesn’t work? Just as bad as I thought, it feels pretty awful and soul-destroying. All that ‘for nothing’.

 

People must feel this in other areas of life. Some people put their whole selves in to life – into everything that matters – for some other thing, totally out of their control, to just wreck everything. Car crash. Cancer diagnosis. Madeline McCann. Husband sudden death. Murder. Your home country wrecked by war. Natural disaster. How do you stay positive after that? How do you go on knowing really bad things happen to good people? And there’s no rhyme or reason, they live with that pain and trauma, and there’s nothing that can repair that, or make it better, or answer it. They are hurt for life. My mother dying, no family. Collapsed.

 

You just carry the pain and find a new route, and know that life’s not fair. You have to make the best of it. You have to dig deep and remember who you are.  That you have the strength to deal with this and you can find happiness on another route. That you can, and will, hold on to your self and keep adapting your routes so that you can remain true to yourself.

And still live and build a happy life, so that the pain just sits on the side. It doesn’t dominate.

The trick remains to not get bogged down in the grief. To accept it you have to carry it. But you can rise above it still. You can find ways to adapt your routes, to believe in yourself and your ability to nurture the life you want to live, the person you want to be…

So although you accept life can be unfair, and bad stuff happens (and could still happen, terrifyingly…) you go back to believing  that you can still work towards making your life the best it can be, your self the best, and the person you’d like to be.

 

What other option do you even have? “Give up, give in, or give it your all.”

 

I’ve felt overwhelmed enough for giving up, giving in and even almost tried it but where does it get you? Absolutely nowhere, only a very bleak place.

You can’t give up, you can’t give in. You just have to give it your all and keep fighting. ‘Fight the good fight’. Find the energy to keep moving forward, making progress, keeping the house – or life! – organised, loving friends and family, doing good things, doing creative things, making future plans, dealing with the nitty gritty.

I’ve felt like hiding under a stone for too long now. I’ve felt overwhelmed for long periods. Ah; I’m just overwhelmed so I’ll just coast, or not bother, or not stand up for what I would normally do.

But even through those times, you’ve never really stopped trying, you’ve had to keep going anyway. So when it feels daunting, remember you’ve never actually given up – you’ve always kept it going.

“When you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember every thing you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome.”

So: do keep going, you do have the strength, and you can do the adapting to keep yourself as true to who you are as you can, to keep your life as close to how you would like it to be as possible. Remember who you are.

With confidence, with love for yourself, with self-esteem = you can go far, and you can feel ‘right’ again (even wonderful again)

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