August 8th 2016

Diary entry: Monday August 8th 2016 (Nane Nane)

I look back in my journal and see that my last diary entry was January 1st 2016. I wasn’t sure on that day, at that time, that I could do any more IVF. I thought perhaps I just couldn’t face any more of the gruelling treatments, of the disappointments, of “The Quiet House” just in limbo, desperate for a family. Maybe we could turn to our other options and bury the desire for a biological child. But there is something so powerful about wanting that, when the doctors tell you they still think you have a good chance: just do x, y, z.

Well x, y, z for us/me meant: two further egg collections back to back (‘batching’), freezing all the blastocyst embryos, sending them all together for PGS screening in May and then performing an endometrial scratch ahead of frozen transfer(s), along with some extra injections of Heparin for good measure!! Love those injectables!!!!!!!!!!

So since my last entry, it’s been a further six/seven months of gruelling treatments and results. We were disappointed with lower egg numbers and lower fertilization results, but then elated by PGS results that one was totally chromosomally normal. The other results were a bit confusing, but we’re glad to have them all. This is our final shot at biological children, and we’re comfortable with that now.

What will be will be. I think I’m feeling most excited because even if this can’t work I know now that we’re on the path to parenthood… That we have our plan. That maybe we’ve come though the worst of it? And our marriage is stronger than ever. We know more than ever we will make great parents and we are ready for that. So, whichever way, we are on the cusp of the most exciting and fulfilling era of our lives. What’s not to love about that?!

Yes I fear the miscarriage, I fear the devastating appearance of blood and the most profound grief that accompanies that. But I’m more accepting that what will be will be, and I can’t control that outcome, and whatever the outcome I will manage it. We will manage it, because I have the most wonderful man by my side, and I know he will make the most wonderful father one day soon.

Embryo transfer #8, tomorrow. (Kesho!)

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