Link to beautiful blog post by Jessica Melcher

I have very recently joined Beat Infertility community, which is feeling more supportive to me than I ever could have imagined! So many couples out there facing the same thing . This was shared and reads so beautifully.  To all of us in this sisterhood , read this. Warning it’s a tearjerker! !

http://www.scarymommy.com/struggle-with-infertility-ttc/

We are in the middle of our two week wait , embryo #8. I’m feeling remarkably zen that what will be will be.

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August 8th 2016

Diary entry: Monday August 8th 2016 (Nane Nane)

I look back in my journal and see that my last diary entry was January 1st 2016. I wasn’t sure on that day, at that time, that I could do any more IVF. I thought perhaps I just couldn’t face any more of the gruelling treatments, of the disappointments, of “The Quiet House” just in limbo, desperate for a family. Maybe we could turn to our other options and bury the desire for a biological child. But there is something so powerful about wanting that, when the doctors tell you they still think you have a good chance: just do x, y, z.

Well x, y, z for us/me meant: two further egg collections back to back (‘batching’), freezing all the blastocyst embryos, sending them all together for PGS screening in May and then performing an endometrial scratch ahead of frozen transfer(s), along with some extra injections of Heparin for good measure!! Love those injectables!!!!!!!!!!

So since my last entry, it’s been a further six/seven months of gruelling treatments and results. We were disappointed with lower egg numbers and lower fertilization results, but then elated by PGS results that one was totally chromosomally normal. The other results were a bit confusing, but we’re glad to have them all. This is our final shot at biological children, and we’re comfortable with that now.

What will be will be. I think I’m feeling most excited because even if this can’t work I know now that we’re on the path to parenthood… That we have our plan. That maybe we’ve come though the worst of it? And our marriage is stronger than ever. We know more than ever we will make great parents and we are ready for that. So, whichever way, we are on the cusp of the most exciting and fulfilling era of our lives. What’s not to love about that?!

Yes I fear the miscarriage, I fear the devastating appearance of blood and the most profound grief that accompanies that. But I’m more accepting that what will be will be, and I can’t control that outcome, and whatever the outcome I will manage it. We will manage it, because I have the most wonderful man by my side, and I know he will make the most wonderful father one day soon.

Embryo transfer #8, tomorrow. (Kesho!)

January 1st 2016

Diary entry: January 1st 2016

We/I have suffered another long process – from egg collection, through PGS testing, to the medicated transfer of one ‘golden embryo’, a positive test, a week of preparing for a baby/believing our 1 biggest dream and desire is finally coming true – to another devastating miscarriage.

And I’m here questioning why I don’t believe in myself, why I don’t believe I can control my destiny anymore. Why I feel so flat to even trying to ‘make my dreams come true’. That is the worst thing that this infertility has done to me. The infertility of the man I love, now I even question my own ability to carry a pregnancy, either/or/both = I/we can not make our dreams come true, we cannot make this dream come true. It’s utterly out of our control. No matter how much hard work we put into crap jobs and perseverance with them, money into it, belief into it – we cannot control if it will work or not. So does that mean, to be adaptable and resilient, I just have to change the dream? To one I/we can control a bit easier? This is one reason why I have always been keener on adoption.

Because it’s so hard putting my heart, energy, time, everything, into something that’s just failing on me every time. That’s what’s killing me, and it’s making me feel what’s the point in trying anything else? If we’re going to keep failing on the one matter that matters to me more than anything in the world, then I don’t want to be bothered with anything else. How can I be bothered with anything else? It all just feels flat and I don’t care about any of it then.

I used to totally believe in my self and my ability to make things work out/happen, if I just applied myself to it. Maybe that’s why I was always attracted to adoption because it gave me a route I could really apply myself to, make it something positive.

The statistics with IVF/ICSI always terrified me. Whilst Simon felt sure we could be in the lucky numbers, we have to try to find out, I could always feel – but what if we’re not? How does it feel to be the people who go through all that and it doesn’t work? Just as bad as I thought, it feels pretty awful and soul-destroying. All that ‘for nothing’.

 

People must feel this in other areas of life. Some people put their whole selves in to life – into everything that matters – for some other thing, totally out of their control, to just wreck everything. Car crash. Cancer diagnosis. Madeline McCann. Husband sudden death. Murder. Your home country wrecked by war. Natural disaster. How do you stay positive after that? How do you go on knowing really bad things happen to good people? And there’s no rhyme or reason, they live with that pain and trauma, and there’s nothing that can repair that, or make it better, or answer it. They are hurt for life. My mother dying, no family. Collapsed.

 

You just carry the pain and find a new route, and know that life’s not fair. You have to make the best of it. You have to dig deep and remember who you are.  That you have the strength to deal with this and you can find happiness on another route. That you can, and will, hold on to your self and keep adapting your routes so that you can remain true to yourself.

And still live and build a happy life, so that the pain just sits on the side. It doesn’t dominate.

The trick remains to not get bogged down in the grief. To accept it you have to carry it. But you can rise above it still. You can find ways to adapt your routes, to believe in yourself and your ability to nurture the life you want to live, the person you want to be…

So although you accept life can be unfair, and bad stuff happens (and could still happen, terrifyingly…) you go back to believing  that you can still work towards making your life the best it can be, your self the best, and the person you’d like to be.

 

What other option do you even have? “Give up, give in, or give it your all.”

 

I’ve felt overwhelmed enough for giving up, giving in and even almost tried it but where does it get you? Absolutely nowhere, only a very bleak place.

You can’t give up, you can’t give in. You just have to give it your all and keep fighting. ‘Fight the good fight’. Find the energy to keep moving forward, making progress, keeping the house – or life! – organised, loving friends and family, doing good things, doing creative things, making future plans, dealing with the nitty gritty.

I’ve felt like hiding under a stone for too long now. I’ve felt overwhelmed for long periods. Ah; I’m just overwhelmed so I’ll just coast, or not bother, or not stand up for what I would normally do.

But even through those times, you’ve never really stopped trying, you’ve had to keep going anyway. So when it feels daunting, remember you’ve never actually given up – you’ve always kept it going.

“When you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember every thing you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome.”

So: do keep going, you do have the strength, and you can do the adapting to keep yourself as true to who you are as you can, to keep your life as close to how you would like it to be as possible. Remember who you are.

With confidence, with love for yourself, with self-esteem = you can go far, and you can feel ‘right’ again (even wonderful again)

First blog post

I have started this blog to type up my diary entries from my IVF experience.  I have started with a diary entry from January 1st 2016, followed by my latest journal entry which I wrote down this morning and typed up by lunchtime . All the content here was first handwritten into my journal and later typed up to share on this blog. I choose to share my diary entries on our IVF experience to reduce the stigma that surrounds fertility and infertility,to raise public awareness that many many ordinary people are affected by it, and to show solidarity with other people – male or female – also affected . I have no commercial or career aspirations, I have never shared personal experiences in the public domain before, this is motivated entirely by a genuine concern about the stigmas and taboos that surround fertility and infertility and the impact that has on those of us who face these health problems .